The ESA form arrived late last week. I had one of those psychic moments and when I heard the letter box rattle I knew that this was it. I’m wasn’t sure at the time if I was calm about, numb or immersed in planning for some mental health training I was delivering that morning but I out put the envelope to one side unopened and continued with the pressing needs of the day.
I opened the form when I got home. You can only deal with fear if you face it and a quick look at it confirmed that it wasn’t designed for people with mental health problems and I needed to talk to my LPA guys and my GP first. They were supportive and with lots of practical advice: take it slowly, take lots of breaks, drink lots of tea, cuddle the cats. My GP has pledged a letter of supportive evidence from the outset as he believes that I’m unemployable.
Today I start to make the notes that will become my evidence for the form. I’m going to have to confront some big truths about myself and for me that’s the hardest part. It’s not so much about what I have become but about the disinhibition that Bipolar Disorder displays about me. It is exaggerated but it is still a me I don’t care for and neither does anybody else.
So, support team in place, tea bags a plenty and cats close by today is the day I start to do this. If you think of me today please think more kindly of me than I will end up doing of myself.