…and crash! Weeks and weeks of a workable if not pleasant stable instability is over and I’m down at the bottom of hell again. Weeks and weeks of coping and smiling and having fun smashed into unrecognisable shards of memory; sharp feelings that cut and sting.
I’m sat with my head spinning at the speed of things. I can’t remember what it felt like this just an hour ago coming home and feeling pleased that I’d revisited some old favourite photo haunts this morning. I can’t imagine how I ever felt that good.
My head is aching such is the intensity of the few seconds of the mood swing. When I finally get the energy to move to edit some photos I’ll be looking at them and feeling so helpless. Those photos I know I enjoyed taking but I can’t feel that positivity. It’s all gone.
This is the first big mood swing since I stopped taking lithium and how I’ll deal with it is a mystery to me but essentials first I think. I’ll eat even if I don’t want to, sleep the weekend away if I need to and cry both literally and figuratively on the shoulders of everyone I know.
I can’t predict how long this cycle will last as my particular version of Bipolar Disorder has a mind all of its own. So, if I’m lucky, I’ll get a few days of rapid cycling and then back to the instability that I call normal. If not, I have a trip in October to aim towards, a time to create memories because even if I can’t look back on times like this and remember positive emotions my photos will tell me that I never stopped having positive experiences. All I have to do is believe it.