I’ve made a big decision in recent weeks. It took a lot of soul searching and an honest look at my ego. It has required a look at what Bipolar Disorder does to me and for me and how it can affect me so profoundly that, at times, I have little that I can call a life.
I found myself torn between being a mental health activist who gets to appear on television & radio, quoted on websites, written about in newspapers and taking a permanent step back because, during an enforced break, I have become less unstable to a point where my quality of life has improved measurably.
I’ve been featured in various newspapers including the Guardian, the Independent and the Daily Express and I’ve written for my local newspaper. I’ve been on radio and television so many times that I’ve lost count and all this feeds an ego that is already over-inflated whilst in manic mode.
Manic episodes are the key words. I do a good interview and it inflates my ego, feeds the mania that’s always too close to the surface and sets me off on a cycle of mania, depression, mania that changes hour by hour destroying my soul.
I’ve had huge problems with my memory this year; found it almost impossible to cope with. I’ve had times when I’ve repeated the same things over and over to people not realising that I’ve been doing it. I’ve forgotten important appointments and forgot to pay bills and top up on utilities that meant that I was left without power. I got very sick indeed.
Stepping back from the activism meant I could concentrate on getting well slowly and, thought it’s been a time fraught with anxiety, I have got as well as I possibly can.
I’m not one of those selfless individuals who flog themselves half dead for a cause. I am a little selfish when it comes to my hold on life and I come first. I know that there are others who, at least physically, are a lot worse of than I am and yet still continue the fight and that is their choice. There are also people who are more eloquent and more informed than I am and they need to be heard however I will continue to blog.
Choice is what it boils down to. I choose to stop being quite such an activist and have a semi-decent quality of life or I continue and possibly push my self to an early grave. It is an easy choice.
Thank you for your support.